Solo: The Story You Tell Yourself Has So Much Power - #01

Hi, I'm Genevra. I'm an aspiring novelist, photographer, and the author of the Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam) book, Picture in a Frame. In this first episode, I talk about my personal story and why I started the podcast. I delve into my life-long struggle with my identity, people-pleasing tendency, single parenting, and the decisions I made when I lacked the inspiration and drive to create. I believe your problems are your gifts, and that's why I decided to share a mortifying story from my childhood - The Day of the Black Box - which I have never talked about publicly before. I also mention my tribute to the band, Pearl Jam, and its connection to the podcast.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/cO3xhJ8jBns

Transcript

0:00| Hi there. Welcome to the first episode of better loud than too late. I'm your host, Genevra. I’m going to tell you a little bit about myself, my background story, what this show is about, and why I decided to do the podcast.

0:22| I'm a single mum and I have two boys. I live in Adelaide, Australia, and I'm a writer and photographer. So, you could say that I identify as a creative person. Expressing myself in creative ways is the best way that I know how to be me.

1:24 | Better Loud Than Too Late is about leveraging the power of creativity to bravely take up your space in the world, even if it feels uncomfortable, because that is what it takes for continual personal growth, and it’s ultimately how to step into your power. I know that can be such an overused phrase these days but we all have the ability to make a positive contribution to this world and some of us can do it best with creativity.

2:09| I have struggled with my identity all my life. With being assertive, with being comfortable in my own skin, with living life to my full potential. The only moments when I have felt that I’d gotten a handle on all those insecurities is when I have been in-flow on a creative plain. 

2:42| All my life I have felt like there are two sides to me. Half of me has wanted to fade into the background, not wanting to be put on the spot or be challenged, to avoid conflict, to be agreeable, to stay introverted. The other half of me has a tendency to say, I don’t think so. Get what you came for. The time is now. 

3:18| So when I think about that battle, that war in my spirit between my two sides, I consider when and where it all started. A little bit is from upbringing, a little from general life conditioning, and the rest is from what I had chosen to see as a limitation – a hearing impairment that I was born with. In my life, any time that I felt like I was starting to find my feet, I would hold myself back because of this limitation.

4:02| I’m going to tell you about a time in my childhood which became symbolic of that war in my body. I was in primary school and it was decided that if I wore a hearing device, I would do better – in terms of feeling connected to others, communicating and comprehending. So, this is in the 80s. We're not talking about small hearing aids that you can barely see. We're talking about a pioneering device. I had to wear this black box around my neck, the size of a remote control. There were wires protruding from the device to my ear. And there was this constant red light on this device.

5:00| So if you can imagine, one day I’m appearing “normal” and the next day I’m walking into the classroom with this machine hanging off me. The rest of the kids are like, what the f*** is this? They’re feeling pretty awkward about it – they’re wondering… do I talk into the black box – do I talk into her ear? Do I just avoid her altogether? I don’t think I need to get into how embarrassed I felt, although I don’t have a vivid recollection of my feelings at the time – honestly I think I blocked it out because it was traumatic in a way.

5:48| Generally, most of us want to be noticed and some of us like to stand out from the crowd, but not like that – not because you have to have to wear a black box around your neck. I didn’t want my disadvantage on display. If only I’d had the bravery back then to ride my imagination and tell everyone it was a teleporter of some sort. That would have been super cool.

6:22| After that, as I went through my life, I was always in two minds about standing out, and if I did get brave and seize the day, I was obsessed with how I was perceived, and I wanted to be sure that I was always representing my best self.

6:47| But the reality is that when you get called to step up, when you have something to offer, and you’re put on the spot or you have the opportunity to do something good, all your parts are gonna be on display. Whether you like it or not. And that's what I have come to realise. Today, I still have those two sides, but I spend less time with my doubtful side. It’s why I have been able to bring this podcast to you. Despite my hearing problem. Your problems are your gifts. 

7:32| I wasn't going to share that story from primary school. I’ve been embarrassed about it for years. I ran it by a friend and they were like, nah, you can't share that. But it was clear from the day of the black box that I wasn’t meant to live life in a comfort zone. 

7:57| Many of us have gone through life with identity issues – whatever that may look like. Not only did I struggle through my childhood, I struggled in my teenage years as well. I hated the way I looked – with my thick confused hair and dark skin, and always the shortest person that I knew. I either wasn’t Italian enough, or I wasn’t Australian enough. I certainly struggled in my marriage. The people-pleasing part of me was trying to serve as a wife and as a mother. My sense of self was lost between those two roles. But I learned a lot. And the other role that I struggled with was as a business woman, because I've grown up with an artist / dreamer / romantic mindset all my life. And I would have so many ideas to try and put myself out there as an artist but I lacked the tools required to transform an idea to a successful business. Sometimes one of those tools was as simple as self-belief. It didn’t help when you've been told as a child that artists don't make money. 

9:43| I finally did crack a winning combination and ran a wedding photography business for about 10 years, but eventually I burnt out. And during that break, I wrote a novel. When I think back to the hours I poured into my novel, towards the end of my marriage, they were the times I could grasp who I really was. I was so proud of myself because I had written on-and-off since I was a child, and this was the first time that I had a finished, long-form piece, it was about 100,000 words, that was connected to my soul–to my identity. I had a new dream to see this book traditionally published. But then my ex husband decided to check out. And I felt so lost. I no longer had any inspiration to do anything with the novel – I even told myself a story back then that if I had spent less time writing then I could have saved my marriage. The story you tell yourself has so much power.

11:24| So, I had no real plan for my future. I didn't know how to heal. I didn't know which parts of me to work on first. I had zero self-worth. I was also devastated because I wanted to be a strong and healthy role model for my kids. And I thought, how am I gonna move out of this stuck position?

12:00| Better loud than too late is also about missed opportunities. And so I thought, well, I've always wanted to go to university. I didn't have the opportunity when I was married. How about I do it now?

12:20| I didn't know for sure that it was gonna be the right decision, but it was better than staying in this stagnant phase. Not knowing, not progressing. So I enrolled in a publishing and writing degree at Flinders university. It brought me out of my shell, just by being able to connect with other creatives in an unfamiliar academic environment. And through the learning space, I began to see things differently. I was also experimenting with other creative mediums and this was expanding my horizon, on a creative plane. I'm only halfway through the degree, but as far as I'm concerned, it has already served its purpose. It was the best decision that I could have made when I went through my impending divorce and it got me unstuck.

13:21| The other thing that uni did for me was make me take stock of my skill set and really explore what else I could do. I ended up rebranding and I created a new business. All the while, I'm still on the traditional publishing path for my novel and praying that my manuscript gets into the hands of the right literary agent.

14:07| The second-best decision that I made after my divorce was finalised was to give up alcohol completely. Your problems are your gifts. But are they even problems? If you look close enough, aren’t they just opportunities for rich life lessons and blessings? Gratitude for it all, even the pain, is what gives you the grit and the grace to push on. If I’d never met my ex husband, I wouldn’t have my two kids. Who, by the way, teach me new ways to be creative on a daily basis. 

15:06| Writing is definitely my forte, public speaking and presenting is not. So when someone suggested that I do a podcast, I was absolutely terrified. And then I  knew that I had to do it, for that reason. Even when I had to speak up at uni, it didn’t matter if I was just introducing myself or explaining an answer to a question, I would break out in this nervous sweat. 

15:40| One afternoon, I was eating a Baci chocolate, and reading the quote, pretty much arguing with myself over the merits of the quote. I thought it would be a good concept to use if I were to go live on Instagram.

16:04| And so I did exactly that. I went live once a week for three months. The first time I hit the live button, I wanted to vomit in my mouth. It was a form of self torture that I put myself through repeatedly. But I would talk about my week and then would try and tie it all into the baci quote. It was awkward. It was silly. I was hardly coherent most of the time, but it really helped me get in front of the camera and just do my thing. I no longer have anxiety over speaking publicly at uni either. 

16:54| Better Loud Than Too Late doesn't have to be literally loud for you. Whatever action you take, It can be as subtle or as intense as you want. But it’s still about action. Open that door, show your face, reach out, create something. You might feel exposed because all your parts are on display. Even the parts you’re not happy about. So what. You’ll be free. You’ll be especially free of regret.

17:50| So I want to tell you about the theme music for the show. I’m a huge music lover and a big Pearl jam fan. Better loud than too late, is actually a lyric from a Pearl Jam song called, Amongst the Waves. I was desperate to use the title and I was desperate to use the music. And the way that the theme music came to be is kind of a parallel to the concept of the show.

18:35| I'm also so honoured that I received permission from the band to use the song because Pearl Jam have sound-tracked my life.

19:06| So going back to that war between standing out or staying put… I think you need to have the light and the shade to appreciate the consequences of both statuses. You need to have the contradiction. You need to have the contrast to understand what it's like if you didn't speak up. I'm empathic as well. And yes sometimes it gets too much. Sometimes I want to hold back, or I don’t want to check my social media feeds. Maybe it’s a self care decision. But the moment of truth eventually comes where I realise, ah f*** it. Let’s wear all the black boxes, let's photograph Eddie Vedder, let’s send my novel to a publisher, let’s start a new business, let’s go to uni, let's do this podcast. Let’s…

20:24| Each week I'll chat to a guest or there will be a solo reflection. Season one is mainly friends of mine, all who have stories filled with lessons and milestones, and we’ll talk about how they pushed through their challenges. There’ll be talk of transformations, transitions, reinventions and breakthroughs. We’ll touch on art, business, relationships, health and more – but the theme of creativity will be woven throughout. This podcast is not just for artists or creatives. It’s for anyone who wants to consider how creativity can solve a problem or achieve a goal. 

21:25| Thank you for listening, or watching the video – I’m sure you can hear or see me get uncomfortable and squirmy and that is precisely the point. Squirm, stretch, grow, blossom. Until next time.